Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
