We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
