Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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