i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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