If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
