i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
