i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
