I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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