Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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