my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
