i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
