She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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