Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
