My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Randomize
