I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
