Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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