you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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