In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
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I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
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I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.