There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
