there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
