oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Randomize
