k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
