it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guiltđ
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have âdaddy issuesâ. Fuck all of you.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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