I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
