i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
