ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
