Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
