PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
