I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
you made out with another girl for some wings
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize