i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
