Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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