i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
