I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
