dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
jump out the window naked night went bad
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
