do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
