Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
