Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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