I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
