I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
