i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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