definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
