I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
