I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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