I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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