At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
