happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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