i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
