So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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