Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
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i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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