I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
