So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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