I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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