I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
