just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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