i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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