so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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