Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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