Pants 0. Shit 1.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
