Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
